just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
