the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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