Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
