remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I AM VODKA MAN
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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