I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
