I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
be right there i have to get my cape
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
