She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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