this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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