I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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