Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
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I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
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Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
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