my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
