I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
