Plan B is the new Plan A
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
