This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
