you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
