Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
