Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
