I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.