They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
