When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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