i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
