You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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