at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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