the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
