I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
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I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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