Capitaan dildo arrescate!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
