I am puke
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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