I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
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You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
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The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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