i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
