I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
