the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
