you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
