taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
