ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
