So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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