Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I wish my penis had an off switch
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
