Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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