i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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