The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i now understand why vodka
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
