Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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