Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
