My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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