I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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