The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
