I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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