So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
