Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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