I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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