you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
