I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
