What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
be right there i have to get my cape
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
