is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
