Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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