that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
