you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
